Met with K.
Think we need to speak next week about our differing aims.
Ages ago when H (the doc who diagnosed D.I.D) met with K and us, K mentioned something about aiming for integration which raised H’s eyebrows.
At that meeting, I didn’t really care. I was devastated by the diagnosis and wanted to be fixed now.
However, am now not so sure. Ideally, having consistent communication with the rest of me is what I’d like. To stop the time-loss and the level of amnesia but to rely on each other and find ways of living together rather than crashing from one crisis to the next.. Blending I think (?).
K mentioned integration again, today. As in, have I integrated with the part I overheard in our session last week? No, but I think we achieved some level of co consciousness which I assume isn’t quite `good enough’(?). I didn’t say that to K, though.
Another thing; K has mentioned my “social isolation” with increasing regularity over the past few months. She’s been pretty gentle with it, but it seems pretty clear she thinks I am too isolated.
I explained that yes, that is a result of circumstance. Those circumstances were really difficult. However, the thought of being the life and soul of the party is not something I want to repeat. K pointed out that I was popular and make friends easily. She’s right, however apart from two people (one of whom died) those friendships were not particularly strong, they were just people who happened to be in the same class as me, or who worked with me. The friendships never extended out of those environments. However, I have a friend that I really value and we speak pretty regularly on the phone, though I don’t know the last time we actually met up (she’s invited me to many things but I’ve always avoided).
In our view, living on a remote island in the middle of nowhere and never meeting another person would be a dream (though the dream includes broadband). Yes, I’m social phobic and yes that can be overcome. Fact is, I recognise and accept that I am not a people person and don’t want to be.
I know it is necessary to engage with people on some level and that the dream is unlikely to come true. So, I have to push through the silence and say “hi” to the neighbours when I see them and answer whatever the person on the till in Tesco has to say. That’s more than enough.
Have had this awful feeling that K may suggest another support group ( massive fail for me-we last time round though K doesn’t see it that way).
So, I understand that being part of the big society (eugh) is hugely beneficial for the vast majority. K needs to understand that in that way, our views are vastly different to hers.
Does this make any sense? You probably think I’m a total freak, and maybe I am but if so, I accept my freakishness.
Hope so and thank you for reading.